October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

She checks off the last box on her list. The house looks perfect, just the way the he likes it. The yard? Not a leaf in sight. The kids are looking sweet and playing quietly in their playroom.

She is dressed for him, feeling a little uncomfortable, but knowing he likes her to dress this way. Tonight is a big night. Lipstick red and smudgeless, her hair combed and sprayed to perfection, eye shadow, just enough to highlight her big dark eyes. She is preparing steaks with broccoli, crisp, his favorite. Tonight will be a good night. She can feel it.

She lets out her nervous exhaustion and then checks her list again. Glancing in the mirror she faces herself and approves for now, catching a stray hair back into position and making certain she looks perfect for him.  She is confident that he will be so excited to hear she was accepted into the graduate school to which she has applied. This is good news and everything must be perfect -- and it is. She has worked so hard all day.

Her husband is home.

From the damp kitchen floor, she raises her eyes and feels engulfed in a nauseating fog. As she tries to get up, the pain sears deeper into her head and back. Her hands tremble as she looks at them, torn and bloodied. It was all so perfect, just so perfect, she thought. The dinner is now mixed in with crashed china that lays about her.

She is cold, her dress torn, the house and kids are eerily quiet. She must get up. Finally, she pulls herself to the table, struggles to the chair to sit up. No perfect dinner, no quiet children looking so pretty. She moves her hand to her head. No more perfect hair. It is now encrusted with blood and broccoli, just the way he likes it, crisp.

She looks for her children and passes the hallway mirror where again she must face herself. This time her flawless red lipstick is smeared into the bleeding, oozing cut on her lip. Her eye is swollen shut, so much so that her tears fail to fall. Her hair hurts, pain curdles her stomach as it ricochets around her body. Her heart is numb.

She finds a note stuck to the front door from her husband: "Took kids out for a decent dinner since you can’t cook. Oh, and forget the grad school, you are way too stupid for that, just a waste of money. Clean up before I get home.”

He returns to a cleaned and perfect home. He hands her a beautiful bouquet flowers.

“I am so sorry honey,” he said. “It is just that I want you home where you belong. You will fail in grad school, so I just want to save you the pain of failing. I love you and I just got a little upset. Now go fix your pretty hair. And make-up. The kids and I want sundaes for dessert. Now don’t you go talking to those girlfriends at the Club about this! They won’t believe and you will look stupid again, plus they just do not know how much I love you and that you belong to me!”

Once again, she begins shaming herself for even thinking she could succeed in anything. Her husband is right. She is stupid. He said so and that is why he hits her and she thinks she deserves it. It is my fault and no one will believe me anyway, she thinks. After all he pays all the bills, we live in a lovely home and he takes care of everything.

Like her husband always says to her, “You belong to me. I call the shots because you are just too dumb. But I love you anyway. No one else would.”

During that month, she figures that her husband will never know that she is taking that one silly course. After all, it is during the day and he never comes home in the afternoon. She sneaks into her first class, excited to be learning and hoping he will never find out. If she just stays perfect enough, keeps the house perfect, looks perfect, talks perfect and is home before he gets home, everything will be fine.

The following week, her husband forgets his golf clubs, so he stops home midday on the way to the Club.

By that evening, she is in the intensive care unit, so badly beaten she is unrecognizable with multiple contusions and bruises resembling the shape of golf clubs. Her husband stays by her side, loving and devoted to her care. She thought she heard her husband tell the police that someone broke into their house, using the gold clubs to beat his poor wife and steal money.  He is so charming and such an upstanding citizen in their small community that they believe him. He never leaves her side. She belongs to him.

Recognizing domestic violence

This scenario is happening everyday as you eat, sleep and go about your day. This silent epidemic is thriving behind our denial and desire ”not to know and not to look.” Taking the time to understand the facts about domestic violence may save your life, your child’s life or that of a friend.

Pennsylvania has the third highest number of murder suicides in the nation – including 14 cases in just six months.  Seventy-three percent involved an intimate partner – spouse, common-law spouse, ex-spouse, or girlfriend/boyfriend.  Of these, 94 percent were women killed by their intimate partners.

Those being abused, whether it be emotionally, physically or sexually, may not even realize that what is happening is abuse. They may think it is normal to be controlled, raped or beaten. Some women are so brutalized they are in essence “brainwashed” to believe that they could never survive without their abuser. The children in the home are also victims. Domestic violence hurts everyone. Please take a minute to learn the signs and be the one who stands up and reach out.

If not for you, then for your children, your friend or your daughter.

Domestic violence occurs when one person in an intimate relationship exercises power and control over the other through a pattern of intentional behaviors, including psychological, emotional, physical and sexual abuse.  There is no way to define a “typical” victim of domestic violence – it can affect anyone from any socioeconomic, demographic, geographic or educational background. The greatest risk factor for victimization is simply being a woman.  

While most people are able to recognize an abusive relationship when it involves physical violence, relationships involving psychological or emotional abuse are more subtle, but no less destructive. If allowed to continue, these behaviors can escalate to include more physically dangerous abuse over time.  It is important to recognize key characteristics of domestic violence so that abuse can be stopped before it becomes life-threatening. 

A few facts:

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women ages 15 to 44 in the United States, more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined.

• 1 in 4 women will become victims of domestic violence in their lifetime
• 1 in 3 teenage girls will be physically assaulted by a boyfriend
• Domestic violence is the leading predictor of child abuse
• Boys who witness domestic violence in their homes are 1,500 times more likely to perpetrate abuse later in life.
• 50 percent of girls growing up in an abusive home will go on to be victims of abuse themselves

Source: Women's Center & Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh

The progression of violence includes repeated use of one or more of the following behaviors:

Verbal Abuse: Name-calling, put downs, yelling, profanity, unfounded accusations, cruel and hurtful remarks, degrading the victim in public, diminishing accomplishments and flying into rages.

Physical Abuse: Choking/Strangulation, holding the victim down against their will, throwing or breaking objects, pushing, shoving, slapping, biting, punching, kicking, using a weapon, murder.

Emotional Abuse: Isolation, ignoring, controlling finances or employment, lack of trust/suspicion, following or stalking the victim, criticizing, threats of suicide, threats of taking away children, threats of physical violence, threats of murder, minimizes or denies behavior, explosive or critical reactions.

Sexual Abuse: rape, forcing unwanted sexual acts, use of weapons during sex, forced sex involving multiple partners or inflicts pain during sex.

What If I Think Someone I Know Is Being Abused?

Call the Women’s Center & Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh's SAFE 24-hour hot line at 412-687-8005 or toll free, 877-338-TALK (8255) for SAFE help or more information.

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Editor's Note: Pamela Squires spent years volunteering in women's shelters in California and devotes her time and resources to educating herself and others about domestic violence. She continues to be a passionate crusader in the effort to stop domestic violence.

Squires's business “” is donating 10 percent of all profits made during the month of October to the Women’s Center & Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh.